Another Mantra for This Week.
These past few days I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m wrong. It’s human nature, really: we all have the tendency to relate everything to us. Maybe it’s because we want to feel important. We want to feel that we contributed something-whether it’s good or bad. So when problems arise, we tend to check on ourselves first. We tend to ask “is it my fault?” rather than questioning whether it’s other people’s.
Bottomline, human beings are selfish narcissistic pricks.
I know that in this particular problem that I’m dealing, I’m the one whose fault is the biggest. I can point out unarguable facts about it. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt content knowing that it’s my fault, that I can blame myself and hate myself for it.
But these last couple of days, I have been having doubts. I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, people are too damn nosy. Why can’t they just mind their own gosh darn business?
Maybe I’m being mean. And once again, I’m being selfish. But to be completely honest, I don’t care what they think of me. I don’t care if they hate me. It’s just that I can’t help but think they’re just being fake and stupid by reacting in very childish ways. And if their reaction is starting to hurt other people-people that they aren’t supposed to hurt, then that’s completely stupid.
So I have two options: Fight or Flight. It’s human being’s basic reaction to problems. They either face it or run away from it. But if I choose to fight, more and more people are gonna get hurt. So I opt to get the heck out of this stupid entanglement.
I’m usually not that kind of person. I usually confront things. I always try to fight for what I want. But you know what? This time I choose to lose. I give them what they want because I know that they have the right for it. Yes, it hurts a lot, I admit that. And I don’t know if I will ever recover. So that’s why I keep telling myself: it’s my fault in the first place. I deserve this.
So I say it like a mantra over and over again, because it helps dealing with the pain: It’s my fault in the first place. I deserve this.
