Rara Goe's Musing on Life's Simple Abundance

Thoughts I Keep to Myself (2)

You told me you couldn’t sleep that night.

The night when I blurted out everything because this feeling inside,
It’s like,
A raging storm that forces even the bravest fisher and the toughest navigator like my
grandmother to postpone her wish
To catch fish
For maybe two days
Or three

Well anyways.

While you were not sleeping that night,
I was outside in the front porch sipping a mug of tea
Which was getting cold from the coastal wind
I was just trying to calm this storm,
This endless thunder that was raging within.

But then the black sea waves in front of me
Reminded me of your hair
The noise of the strong wind sounded exactly like
the rush of the blood that made this heart beat faster
and faster
Like a roller coaster bolting through the air
Whenever you’re around

Besse Sangiang Liukang the Goddess of the Sea
Well maybe She understood me
Because all of a sudden the lightning strikes
It bolted continuously sending messages to the sky
The same sky that in which, you and I
Were enveloped in, that night

“I am sorry”, I pretended saying to you:

“But I can not hold back anymore
I can not sit here and covet from afar
Loving you silently as silent as the stars”

Well you told me you couldn’t sleep that night, right?
Well, baby, neither could I.

Thoughts I Keep to Myself. Part 1

An ever growing black torment spread itself upon me
Where thoughts of you are running crazy
Distorting the colors I painted
And all left is darkness threatening to break me

When you smile in her charms
Long for her arms
When you laugh at her wits
When you stare into those digital eyes
With all the love that you give

I want my arms to be around your shoulder
But instead you long to hold her
I want my hands to be enveloped by yours
And my lips should be the one you hunger for

I want to be the one you run to when you’re glad
The one to first recognize you when you are sad
Hold you in my arms while you shed your tears
Whisper in your ears
Make your fear disappear

But for now:

An ever growing black torment spread itself upon me
Where thoughts of you are running crazy
Distorting the colors I painted
And all left is darkness threatening to break me

And all left is darkness threatening to break me

Homes, Hopes, and Revelations.

The first words I heard when I stepped my feet into Sultan Hasanuddin International Airport is:

Anassuntili’ jinne Merpati heh!

And then I realized I was home and I loved it!

The thing about being home to me is, all the people around you speak exactly the same language and most probably in the same dialect as you do. Unlike in Bandung where most of the time my brain has to work extra hard translating and interpreting what people are saying, here at home I could just lay back and enjoy!

I believe the situation is analogical to being in love. When you’re in love, your heart is at ease and it’s easy to interpret all kinds of emotions because you’re actually feeling it and you can actually understand its language.

Yeah yeah I’m in love. Sue me!

My Graduation Ain’t For Sale!

Some people consider high school graduation as a turning point in their life. It’s something monumental: the juvenile days as school kids are finally over. It’s time to prove ourself and try to become whatever we want to be. Or maybe I’m just exaggerating. But one thing for sure: it’s one of those “camera-must-bring” moments for those graduating, right?

So it would probably be a little weird if I decided I would not come to my own graduation, wouldn’t you say? I mean, yeah, you’d question “whats this? some kind of teenage anarchy? or are you just a plain loser?”

Well maybe I am a little bit of both.

You know there are times when speaking or talking or simply doing something won’t help you reach either what you want or just a little bit of a compromise out of what you want against what others want? (complicated and jumbled sentence alert. haha)

Well this is one of those times. The thing is, just to attend my OWN graduation I had to pay money in the amount of five hundred thousand rupiah. This goes against my very conscience. This is waaay against my very principle in life: my NO-BULLSHIT policy. And this? To me, this is plain bullshit.

I assure you, it’s not about the amount of money. I know I come from a simple family who live out of my Grandparents’ retirement fund and pensions, and five hundred thousand is, I admit, a lot. But this isn’t about that.  This is about “why-the-heck-do-i-have-to-pay-even-a-penny-for-my-own-darn-graduation”. This is about “shouldn’t-the-school-be-paying-for-this-thing-as-its-final-appreciation-to-the-graduating-students?”.

I called it bullshit, because they hand out INVITATION LETTERS to our parents. Haha I was laughing my ass off, cause my parents might as well be INVITING THEMSELVES because THEY’RE THE ONES THAT PAID FOR IT.

It goes soo high up on my Bullshitometer, people. Waay up.

So, the only way to not pay the stupid money is to not come for my graduation. What the heck, it’s just a symbol anyway. Without the ceremony I’d still be graduating, I’d still be studying International Relations, and the heck, I’d still be kickin ass and taking names! Hahaha.

So, call me a little Gandhi, or a sore loser, or whatever you want. I’ll go and graduate myself. But the upcoming graduation ceremony the school has “given” for us which is to be held in a five star hotel: Nah ah. I ain’t goin, I ain’t payin.

Everything

This is a poem about savoring your last moments with someone you love. I wrote it a few days after my Grandfather passed away, in rememberance of him.

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Light’s making its way in through your window

Touches your face and I can see

The shallow glimmer plays our whole life story

Right in front of me

Everything, everything revolves around this moment

And all the truth inside your eyes reflects in everyone here

By your side

Cracking jokes and we’re all laughing with you

Trying to fill the empty space of this room

With something other than your shallow breaths

But we’ll be leaving soon..

And that’s why

Everything, everything revolves around this moment

So many years inside these walls surrounded now in quiet halls

We are here, we are here

And your love, she takes a fragile stand up to your side

And says “I’ll miss you dear, now rest your eyes, and I love you always”

We love you always

And that’s everything

It took me months to get over the grief of his loss, because i spent almost all my childhood living with him and we have a very strong emotional connection. When in the end, he couldn’t possibly fight off the cancer, my whole family felt not only grief but also relief at the same time. I just hope he’s in a better place now.

My friends and I are currently working on a song based on this poem.

10 Random Facts About Me-1

I promise I made this post not because I love me so much but I am extremely bored so I decided to come up with a list of 10 very random things about me. If you already know most of them, well then you know me so well! Haha so here it goes:

1. I find it extremely hard to sleep without toying with somebody’s fingernails.

2.I love reading, anything really. More than reading, I love words and great sentence constructions. I especially love people who are great with the written word. I am not just talking novelists. I can really dig someone for how they formulate their Tweets.

3. I secretly admire and envy those people who always see the best in people and try to make the world a better place, even though they also really annoy me.

4.I strongly believe in first impressions. If my intuition says bad news I will not even give someone a chance. I have hardly ever been wrong.

5.I do not pay attention to detail. I won’t notice things in my house for weeks, let alone see if you are wearing a new sweater or just had your hair done. I’m not being insensitive, I just do not notice.

6.I hate BS and I usually see through people who are insincere or just straight out lie. If you are going to lie, make sure it’s something worth lying about and make sure you lie well.

7.Speaking of dislike, have I mentioned how much I dislike arrogant people yet? And people without a sense of humour? Ok, just checking.

8.I was extremely shy when I was little –scared of everything and everyone- and I remained quite introverted all through elementary school. These days no one believes me, because I never shut up.

9.I have a weird obsession for clowns. I think they are evil and not funny at all. There’s something very wrong with grown men who put on a clown’s costume and try to entertain kids. Creepy.

10. I am left handed.

Yeah so there you go. All of these facts are honest and well, facts, so they are true. Let me know what y’all think about them.